Intro

What a day it has been!  Mandy is going overseas.  For a month.  She's going to India to see her brother who is also traveling there to get some sort of heart operation.  Medical tourism.  The thing is that I really don't trust her.  We have so much history, but a lot of that history is me being lonely and needy.  I hate being needy.  We met at the mall, for a final goodbye.  I really don't know if I'll ever see her again.  She has a history of going silent on me.  We had sex a week ago.  That was unexpected.  She came over for some time together, well one thing led to another, I was lying on top of her, both of us were naked.  I wanted to remember what it was like to lie on top of a woman, since it had been 5 years since I've had sex.  I got turned on (as you do...), asked if I could put it in and she said yes.  She's such a silent lover.  No moaning, no "ahhh" or "yesss".  It's really hard to know if she's enjoying it or not.  It was so nice to have sex again.  5 years is a very long time, and just under 4 years of that was when I was in a relationship with Renee.  Renee and I didn't have sex for more than half of the time we were together.

So anyway, I got to see Mandy's husband in a photo in her camera.  I didn't know that he was older than her, probably by 8 years.  Substantially overweight.  They really should break up, neither of them are being fulfilled by their marriage.  It was a marriage of convenience.  She got citizenship, and he got a wife.

While we were at the mall, I saw an old ex, with her husband.  She had lost so much weight!  She must have lost 50-80 kilograms.  I knew that she was going to get the stomach operation to help lose weight.  But she must have had some sort of issue with her hips as she had one of those walking frames.  I regret getting involved with her, but it was only a 3 month thing, nothing special.  13 years ago before she dated her husband (I know you're wondering).

Anyway, Mandy seemed to enjoy my company today.  2 hours we were there, and then went to the car for a cuddle and say goodbye.  I just wish I wasn't so damn lonely.

Today I will ask Nikki when we Skype whether she really wants to meet up with me overseas.  If she does, she really needs to learn English.  She's unemployable right now if she were to come here.  Just start studying, please.  Show me you can study.  Some people can't study, that's fine, that's life.  But if you can't I want to know now rather than after spending $10,000 on you in the next 18 months.  It's only fair.  She'll feel hurt or upset with my asking about the whole issue, but it has to be said.  I'll suggest a 2 month test to see if she can study.  Can she study English every day?  I have no idea.  If she can't, she can't.

Tonight I went and had Subway.  A 12 inch filled roll.  I'm going low carb.  Tomorrow the only food I'll be eating will be shredded chicken.  Probably 400 grams.  The same with Sunday.  Then it's starvation city.  Fasting.  I really want to lose this weight, and fasting is as good a technique as ever.  Don't hate me.

While I was eating the Subway in the car, I felt depressed.  As ever.  It would be fair to say that I dislike my life.  I'm just not enjoying it.  Listened to the song "Good time" on the radio by Owl City.  It's a nice song, I like it but I just can't relate to it.