Breaking up with my Internet girlfriend

I hate myself for doing this but...
I'm breaking up with Cherie, the my Internet girlfriend.  Why?  I've got someone better, simple has that.  Her name is Fiona, and what's so special about her?  She wants to live with me on my year away overseas.  I've lived with two women in my life, the most recent being Renee.  After being single for about 18 months, I've come to realise something - I really enjoy living with a woman.  Waking up to a good morning kiss.  Shared time doing things together, or simply having company while you two do different things.  Being a more important person in someones life, rather than just a "boyfriend".  Not going home to a cold, dark, empty house.  Not having your things at two different places.  Not having to travel between the two different places frequently.

So when I was chatting with Fiona online on Facebook, I discussed the issue of meeting her (as friends), and effectively this conversation occurred:

Me: "I am not sure if I can meet you while I am overseas.  I'd like to, but I'm not sure"
Her: "That's okay, I can come to meet you.  We can live together"
Me: "We can live together?"
Her: "Yes, have a place to live together and be lovers for a year"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Her: "Yes, of course"
Me: "Are you really, really sure?"
Her: "Yes, of course"

I'll give you a bit of the back story with Fiona.  We met online and started an online relationship, with the plan to meet overseas for the year.  But she said she was "in love" within 24 hours, and then after a bit of getting to know Nikki I changed my mind, broke up with Fiona and then changed my attention to Nikki.  So yeah, I tend to be a bit flaky and change my mind now and then.  I hate that about me at the moment, I not normally as flaky as this. 

One of the conditions of living with Fiona is that she has to get a job, and support herself.  I'll pay for the rent and power, and she can pay for all of her own costs.  I hope she follows up with her part of the deal.

One thing that concerned me about dating Cherie was I was I was thinking that maybe I'd be lonely.  I asked her if I should get a cat to keep me company, but that was really a test to see how she'd react to me being lonely.  I got the feeling that she wouldn't be staying the night at my place very often, or at all.  I wouldn't be able to spend the night at her place, due to the lack of room, and privacy.  I feel pretty shitty about the whole thing, but really, I don't want to be lonely on my trip away.  I've been lonely for the last 2 years (including while living with Renee), I don't want to continue being lonely while on my trip away.

Losing my job

I was sort of expecting this - but I wasn't sure when it would happen.  My company has decided to offer compensation for anyone who wants to quit their job.  That's nice of them, because it sort of matches up with my desire to go overseas.  That's planned for early-mid next year.  So the company has given us a few weeks to decide what we want to do (not a lot of time, but I'm certain) and I've replied that I want to quit and take the money.  I'll likely be given about 20 weeks of pay.  That's worth it.  I guess I'll miss some things about this job, but there are a huge number of things I won't miss.  The actual job being one of them.  It's not for me, it was just meant to be a short term job that turned into 5 years.  I can't stand looking for work, so when I'm working somewhere, I'm unlikely to want to move.  A bit sad, really.  I admire people who change jobs.  I've never done it.  The things that I will miss are few in number, but I have to admit, I like having a job, and feeling like I am a part of something.  I didn't work for 13 years due to health issues, that has an effect on anyone, not being part of the work force.  I guess I'll miss walking into work and people saying hello and figuring out what my plan for the day was.  Assuming that they accept my offer, I'll leave mid February.

I can't get over it

Two films ALWAYS make me cry.  New Years Eye and Chelat Girl.  So I am sitting here, watching them on my laptop.  Crying.  Why am I crying?  Because I can't get over the dead of my ex, 11 years ago.  I've just been to visit her daughter, who I have trouble motivating myself to visit, because of the anxieties that seeing her creates.  It brings back all of those feelings of watching her mother die. She died from breast cancer, we basically had 6 months notice, and she died in 5 months.  Everyone was grieving.

After visiting the daughter, I had to stop the car, just to relax.  My anxiety is causing some problems, now and then.  I really need to work on that, I've fixed it before.  I can do it again.

Goal weight!

I am pleased to announce that I've reached my goal weight.  It's been over a decade since I've been here, and it's nice to be slim again.  I'm hoping that I stay here a long time because really, losing that weight has been one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I don't want to do it again.  Ever.  So from now on, I'll be watching what I eat, and watching my weight.  Weighing daily at the moment.

Mandy is coming back on Saturday.  When I think of it, I haven't been too lonely while she's been away.  She's phoned me about half a dozen times and we text nearly every day.  But I really don't know how she'll act when she's back.  I still may never seen her again, but the chances of that happening are on the low side.

To celebrate reaching my goal weight, I've been going to the cinema every day recently.  I was lucky that there were lots of new films for me to watch.  It would be fair to say that I've been floating on air now that I've reached my goal.  Losing weight really is one of the hardest things I'll ever do.  

Update

Just a little update: Mandy has been in touch, and she had bad news.  Her brother went to India, but his condition was so bad that he didn't have the heart bypass operation.  He was sent back home, to a small Pacific island country.  So Mandy went to India, was there a day or two, then followed her brother back to the home country.  I hate to think how disappointed she is.  She'll stay there a month and come back here.  We're texting and phoning each other daily.

The two month period for Nikki has begun.  She sent me so much homework to mark!  I'm impressed.

My fasting has been really unreliable.  On and off.  In case you're wondering how much I weigh, it's 3.5kg above goal weight.  I'll eat a bit tomorrow, not a lot.  I'm working over the weekend, so I'll be eating then.  Then the fasting will recommence.  I am still hoping to drop about one kilogram due to going low carb.  I hope to reach goal weight in the next 2-3 weeks.

Fasting

On Friday I Skyped Nikki and talked about my worries.  I said that she couldn't get a job if she was here because of her English, and I was concerned about her lack of interest in actually studying.  She seemed down about the whole thing, but her mood improved over the course of the Skype video call.  Will she improve?  I'm guessing no, although I'd love to be proven wrong.  She seems really nice, but maybe I can't afford her.  I didn't give her an ultimatum that she had to study or else, but I implied it.  I don't like telling people what to do, especially if they are adults, but really, it's time to get started.  I have always asked for 4 hours of study a week (in addition to her having a job) and she was unable to achieve that.  How will she go when the pressure is on?  I want more than 4 hours now.

I bought a new bathroom scale.  That makes three scales that I own, all digital and the new one has the ability to measure body fat.  I'd guesstimate that my body fat is about 17% at the moment, based on looking at photographs of men with my build.  I prefer to have really accurate weight readings, so I use the readings for all of the scales and convert it to an accurate number using a spreadsheet.  Once I reach goal weight, I'll just use one scale.

So I'm fasting.  I ate more than the chicken I promised in the last post, but that's okay.  I can buy some food tomorrow because I'm starting this new daily planner, and I'm using nice tasting food as a motivation system to keep using the planner.  It sort of disrupts the diet, but it won't disrupt it by a lot.  One of my goals is to tidy every day.  I'm untidy and want to change things.  The daily planner is for other things too, such as going to the doctor.  I haven't been in a year, and want to get back and try new antidepressants.

I won't post my weight yet, because when you fast you lose quite a bit of non-fat, and there is no point in measuring that.

Intro

What a day it has been!  Mandy is going overseas.  For a month.  She's going to India to see her brother who is also traveling there to get some sort of heart operation.  Medical tourism.  The thing is that I really don't trust her.  We have so much history, but a lot of that history is me being lonely and needy.  I hate being needy.  We met at the mall, for a final goodbye.  I really don't know if I'll ever see her again.  She has a history of going silent on me.  We had sex a week ago.  That was unexpected.  She came over for some time together, well one thing led to another, I was lying on top of her, both of us were naked.  I wanted to remember what it was like to lie on top of a woman, since it had been 5 years since I've had sex.  I got turned on (as you do...), asked if I could put it in and she said yes.  She's such a silent lover.  No moaning, no "ahhh" or "yesss".  It's really hard to know if she's enjoying it or not.  It was so nice to have sex again.  5 years is a very long time, and just under 4 years of that was when I was in a relationship with Renee.  Renee and I didn't have sex for more than half of the time we were together.

So anyway, I got to see Mandy's husband in a photo in her camera.  I didn't know that he was older than her, probably by 8 years.  Substantially overweight.  They really should break up, neither of them are being fulfilled by their marriage.  It was a marriage of convenience.  She got citizenship, and he got a wife.

While we were at the mall, I saw an old ex, with her husband.  She had lost so much weight!  She must have lost 50-80 kilograms.  I knew that she was going to get the stomach operation to help lose weight.  But she must have had some sort of issue with her hips as she had one of those walking frames.  I regret getting involved with her, but it was only a 3 month thing, nothing special.  13 years ago before she dated her husband (I know you're wondering).

Anyway, Mandy seemed to enjoy my company today.  2 hours we were there, and then went to the car for a cuddle and say goodbye.  I just wish I wasn't so damn lonely.

Today I will ask Nikki when we Skype whether she really wants to meet up with me overseas.  If she does, she really needs to learn English.  She's unemployable right now if she were to come here.  Just start studying, please.  Show me you can study.  Some people can't study, that's fine, that's life.  But if you can't I want to know now rather than after spending $10,000 on you in the next 18 months.  It's only fair.  She'll feel hurt or upset with my asking about the whole issue, but it has to be said.  I'll suggest a 2 month test to see if she can study.  Can she study English every day?  I have no idea.  If she can't, she can't.

Tonight I went and had Subway.  A 12 inch filled roll.  I'm going low carb.  Tomorrow the only food I'll be eating will be shredded chicken.  Probably 400 grams.  The same with Sunday.  Then it's starvation city.  Fasting.  I really want to lose this weight, and fasting is as good a technique as ever.  Don't hate me.

While I was eating the Subway in the car, I felt depressed.  As ever.  It would be fair to say that I dislike my life.  I'm just not enjoying it.  Listened to the song "Good time" on the radio by Owl City.  It's a nice song, I like it but I just can't relate to it.