Starting my diet again

Okay, so I have been coasting with my weight issue for a while now.  Although I lost the 28kg, it wasn't a 'true loss' since it was caused by fasting and going low carb.  So I really want to see what my body looks like, when I've lost the full amount.  So I've started losing weight again.  Slowly, this time.  I'm not crazy enough to fast hard core like last time, since I'm in a country with poor health care and worrying about issues related to travel insurance.  So although I will fast on occasion, it'll only be for 24 hours maximum, not enough to cause issues related to low blood pressure, which happened quite a bit last time.  Falling down the stairs here, while suffering dizziness due to low blood pressure, would be a bit of a lame move on my part.

I've got about 7kg to lose.  Not a lot.  The fact that I've already reached goal weight once certainly helps this time.  I know I can do it.  It's not that hard.  I figure that I'll aim for about 1kg a month, which is certainly not a lot.  Maybe I'll fast once in a while if I slow down, or I'm in dispair due to the fact that reaching goal weight is so far away.  We'll see.

Overseas

Fiona and I met at the airport.  That's one thing about Fiona, as a comparison with Cherie, who I broke up with online, when Fiona suggested we live together.  She wouldn't be able to meet me at the international airport, just at the local airport.  That's not a big deal, but it's nice to meet the woman you're going to date for a year, as soon as you arrive in the country.  She had her daughter and daughters friend with her.  She was nice, pretty much as expected.  So we went back to the apartment that I'd booked for 6 days.  We spent some time talking and the other two went out to do some things.  I was disappointed that it was four of us, instead of two of us which was the original plan, especially since the place was one bedroom, and the other two were sleeping on the floor in the living room, and needed the bathroom which required going through the bedroom.  I didn't have any choice, really.

It was nice having a girlfriend again.  She was affectionate too.  Very nice.  We went to bed about 10pm, and Fiona suggested we have sex.  That was against the original plan which was that we didn't have sex the first night, but I wasn't complaining.  One problem - I couldn't orgasm.  Seven years of Abby Winters lesbian porn will do that to you.  I wasn't too concerned, though.  Plenty of time to get back into a sexual routine.

A busy day that ended totally unexpectedly

On Saturday I left the city I was born, and drove north.  I said goodbye to my sister, father and nephew.  I wondered if I would ever see them again.  My father could die in the year that I am gone.  Or the plane I was flying in could crash in a fiery ball.  It's a possibility.  Never say never.  I headed north.  Stopped for a nap halfway on the trip, I always seem to need naps at the moment, when I am driving this route.  I sent Renee a text asking if she still wanted to meet up.  My last night in the city I've lived in for 25 years.  I got a reply saying yes, she still wanted to meet.  I was kind of thinking she'd change her mind about meeting.  I also sent Mandy a text message saying that it was my last night, and asked if she wanted to come over "for a night of sweaty, sticky sex".  I sent her that as a bit of a joke, I'd given up on seeing her before I left.  She was a total time waster. 

The trip north takes about 5 hours.  My GPS informed me that I'd be arriving about 7pm at the camping ground, where I was staying.  So I made arrangements to meet Renee about 7:45pm.  She hasn't got a car, so she'd walk to the local mall and we'd have a coffee and a chat.  What surprised me that I got a text message and yes, Mandy wanted to meet.  Oh yes, I said to myself, she wants to meet, just like she wants to win Lotto, but never buys a ticket.  Based on previous experiences with her, the chances of seeing her that night was about 5%.  So there was a 95% chance she'd cancel or just not turn up.  I told myself this on the drive.  "Don't get your hopes up".  "She's disappointed you before".  I said these and other things (out loud too).

I arrived on time and got my place at the camping ground, a cabin with shower/toilet, and TV.  Two single beds, and a heater.  I'd stayed there two nights as I was dealing with this and that in storage after leaving my home a week earlier.  I drove out to see Renee.

It was nice to see her.  We chatted for about an hour and a half in the cafe, then about 45 minutes in my car, outside her home.  She told me about how her life was going, the issues she was having, and just general stuff like that.  I told her of my plan to live with Fiona.  She was surprised, but happy for me.  I guess she was wondering how it was going to work out with Fiona.  She wasn't the only one.

I hadn't seen her in about a year.  We said goodbye and I have no idea if I'll ever see her again.  Time will tell I guess.

Mandy had been sending me text messages now and then, each one to my surprise saying she'd like to meet, and 11pm (after her shift ends) was a good time to meet.  At my cabin.  I said how I was meeting Renee, and would be ready to meet her at 11pm as planned.  To my surprise, she showed up (early!) outside the camping ground.  I had a bit of difficulty opening the gates so she could bring her car inside.  We went to my cabin and she stayed the whole night. 

Unlike the previous time we had sex, it wasn't that great.  In fact it was disappointing, I'd masturbated before my trip in the morning, as a result I was quite soft during the sex.  I also gave her oral sex, this was the first time I'd given her oral sex.  Back when we were sexually active in 2003-2004 she'd said that she never did it to men, so I never did it to her.  I guess it was time to try it.  We cuddled for a while, before falling asleep.  She went to the other single bed, and I woke up absolutely freezing (the bedding was pitiful) in the middle of the night.

In the morning, she seemed very happy to have stayed the night.  Her husband was probably wondering where she was.  I packed and then we went to a cafe for coffee and a chat.  I offered to pay her the cost of a counselling session, so she could discuss leaving her husband.  She agreed.  But I gave her one condition.  She had a year to leave him, or I wanted my $100 back.  She agreed to that too.  Her husband called her a few times, but she didn't answer.  There doesn't seem to be any love in that relationship, in either direction.

After that, I headed north.  My trip was in its second day.  I'd just had sex, and maybe helped Mandy leave her husband. 

No more work!

I woke up today excitedly because guess what?  I don't have a job anymore.  It's nice and relaxing knowing that I don't have to work (admittedly only 2 days at work) at a job that stressed me out, the customers that were rude, abusive or just plain annoying.  The job was boring, which is a bit of an issue for me.  I really need a job that I find interesting.  I guess most jobs are at least a bit boring after a while, but this job was repetitive.  Doing the same thing 300 times a day is not fun.  So that leaves me a lot of spare time to get things done before I leave the country.  I really need to "pull my finger out" and get started on the list of things. 

Probably the first thing would be to tell the owner of my place that I'm going.  I do have this fear that I'll change my mind and not go overseas.  If I give notice, and then change my mind, that means that I'm out of my place with nowhere to go.  I really love this place, I'll miss it when I leave.

I guess I'll miss some of the things about work, mainly the other people, and the routine I guess.  The pay was pretty good for what type of job it was (low to medium skill) and obviously I'll miss that.  But I should have never stayed in that job as long as I did.  It was meant to be a temporary job, then the global recession happened, I used that as an excuse to stay in the job.  5 and a bit years later, I finally left.

As a celebration yesterday, for lunch I had a box of chocolates.  I should do that more often, for special events.

Lump removal

Something that I've been thinking of doing - for a long time, has been getting my facial lump removed.  It's not large, maybe 2-3mm across, but it's entirely noticable.  That is, if I take my glasses off.  If I am wearing my glasses, it's not really noticeable.  I guess I noticed it maybe 15 years ago, but you know how it is, if something grows slowly, you don't always notice it properly.  Then, I bought a digital camera, and started taking photographs of my face (film cameras were too expensive to take such photos).  Guess what I noticed?  My lump.  The reason I started noticing it was because it was on the other side of my face.  Looking in the mirror, it was on one side of my face, now in a photo, it's on the other side, and that change makes a difference.  I planned to have it removed. 

Given that I got a digital camera in 2003, it's taken a while for me to get around to getting it done.  I went to a cosmetic surgeon, and have it removed.  Apparently, it's a mole.  It's white.  The actually removal was simple enough, it was a nice feeling to know that it was gone, although I couldn't look in the mirror for about half a day - I'm queasy about things like that.  A week later, I got the stitches removed.  There is a scar, but that area of my face is good for repairing the skin, and it's expected that the scar will disappear to some degree in a while. 

I am perfectly happy with my decision to have it done.  Sure, it's a lot of money (about $1000), but totally worth it.  Take off my glasses, and you'll immediately notice it.  Now, I need to start working on my posture.

A trip away, and change of plans

My employer was nice enough to give me (and someone else who started when I started, 2 left out of the original 8) a gift of $250 for dinner as a congratulations for having my job for 5 years.  That's a lot of money!  In fact, that's a lot of dinner.  The money was in the form as a prepaid Visa card, that I could use electronically.  Originally I had the idea of taking 3 or 4 of my co-workers and going out to dinner.  Most of the ones who sit nearby.  But then, I was thinking, why not spend it all on myself?  I wanted to buy myself dinner, but not in my hometown, somewhere else.  I hadn't been to a resort town about 6 hours drive away in maybe 10 years, how about there?  Great place for taking photos, especially with a digital camera.  I'd taken lots of photos with the old film cameras over the years, but nothing since getting a digital camera.  So that was the plan, have dinner, paid for by my employer, but in another town. 

I decided to not tell my employer, just in case it rustled some feathers and caused problems for other employees later on.  So I drove there, the trip took ages, with me stopping to take photos, it must have taken about 8 hours.  Finally I arrived.  Being summer, I had a lot of daylight though.  I stayed at a camping ground, but I had a cabin (together with bathroom/toilet) all to myself.  Originally the plan was to stay one night, but I figured, what's an extra $80, and stayed an extra night.  A few weird things happened there, I paid using my electronic card, and the woman at the camping ground office asked me for my card, then asked me what my pin was!  Of the 20+ years I've been paying for things electronically, that's the first time I've been asked for my pin, rather than doing it by myself.

I was rather surprised by her asking, but politely said that I didn't share my pin, and I'd do it myself.  A few hours later, I went back to the office and paid for an extra night.  But the next day, I was having a nap (around 1pm) and there was a knock on the door of my cabin.  An employee asking why I was still there.  I said that I had paid extra, and had the receipt if necessary.  I always keep reciepts.  99.5% of the time you don't need them, but the other 0.5%, they come in very useful.

I got to drive around the places that I've been to over the years/decades, took lots of photos, and enjoyed myself.  I called Fiona a few times and also tried to Skype Nikki but the reception for mobile broadband wasn't the best.  I enjoyed myself, it was nice spending money on myself, but there was one thing missing.  Nikki.  I couldn't stop thinking about her.  I imagined her with me, sharing the driving, taking photos of each other, sharing expriences and having fun.  Having to wait 4 years to be with her was too long.  Yet again, I changed my mind about her.  I didn't want to wait until I'd finished university to meet her.  I wanted to meet her after my trip away for a year. 

When I got home, we Skyped and I told her my change of plan.  Being in a long distance relationship sucks.  4 years is too hard.  Time differences, loneliness, missing the other person, not having shared experiences, not even having met Nikki, it's all too much.  I'll change the university plan, I'm not sure how, but I want to meet her, after my year long trip to South East Asia.  She seemed pleased with the change, although I guess she's a bit worried that I'll change my mind again, that's twice so far.

Oh, one other thing.  I really hit the caffeine hard when I was on holiday, having 3-4 bottles of Coke daily.  When I was at one particular tourist attraction (that I hadn't been to in about 28 years), I had my last bottle of Coke.  My last caffeine.  I really want to go 2 years without it.  I did that in about 1998, I think I can do it again.

Breaking up with my Internet girlfriend

I hate myself for doing this but...
I'm breaking up with Cherie, the my Internet girlfriend.  Why?  I've got someone better, simple has that.  Her name is Fiona, and what's so special about her?  She wants to live with me on my year away overseas.  I've lived with two women in my life, the most recent being Renee.  After being single for about 18 months, I've come to realise something - I really enjoy living with a woman.  Waking up to a good morning kiss.  Shared time doing things together, or simply having company while you two do different things.  Being a more important person in someones life, rather than just a "boyfriend".  Not going home to a cold, dark, empty house.  Not having your things at two different places.  Not having to travel between the two different places frequently.

So when I was chatting with Fiona online on Facebook, I discussed the issue of meeting her (as friends), and effectively this conversation occurred:

Me: "I am not sure if I can meet you while I am overseas.  I'd like to, but I'm not sure"
Her: "That's okay, I can come to meet you.  We can live together"
Me: "We can live together?"
Her: "Yes, have a place to live together and be lovers for a year"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Her: "Yes, of course"
Me: "Are you really, really sure?"
Her: "Yes, of course"

I'll give you a bit of the back story with Fiona.  We met online and started an online relationship, with the plan to meet overseas for the year.  But she said she was "in love" within 24 hours, and then after a bit of getting to know Nikki I changed my mind, broke up with Fiona and then changed my attention to Nikki.  So yeah, I tend to be a bit flaky and change my mind now and then.  I hate that about me at the moment, I not normally as flaky as this. 

One of the conditions of living with Fiona is that she has to get a job, and support herself.  I'll pay for the rent and power, and she can pay for all of her own costs.  I hope she follows up with her part of the deal.

One thing that concerned me about dating Cherie was I was I was thinking that maybe I'd be lonely.  I asked her if I should get a cat to keep me company, but that was really a test to see how she'd react to me being lonely.  I got the feeling that she wouldn't be staying the night at my place very often, or at all.  I wouldn't be able to spend the night at her place, due to the lack of room, and privacy.  I feel pretty shitty about the whole thing, but really, I don't want to be lonely on my trip away.  I've been lonely for the last 2 years (including while living with Renee), I don't want to continue being lonely while on my trip away.

Losing my job

I was sort of expecting this - but I wasn't sure when it would happen.  My company has decided to offer compensation for anyone who wants to quit their job.  That's nice of them, because it sort of matches up with my desire to go overseas.  That's planned for early-mid next year.  So the company has given us a few weeks to decide what we want to do (not a lot of time, but I'm certain) and I've replied that I want to quit and take the money.  I'll likely be given about 20 weeks of pay.  That's worth it.  I guess I'll miss some things about this job, but there are a huge number of things I won't miss.  The actual job being one of them.  It's not for me, it was just meant to be a short term job that turned into 5 years.  I can't stand looking for work, so when I'm working somewhere, I'm unlikely to want to move.  A bit sad, really.  I admire people who change jobs.  I've never done it.  The things that I will miss are few in number, but I have to admit, I like having a job, and feeling like I am a part of something.  I didn't work for 13 years due to health issues, that has an effect on anyone, not being part of the work force.  I guess I'll miss walking into work and people saying hello and figuring out what my plan for the day was.  Assuming that they accept my offer, I'll leave mid February.

I can't get over it

Two films ALWAYS make me cry.  New Years Eye and Chelat Girl.  So I am sitting here, watching them on my laptop.  Crying.  Why am I crying?  Because I can't get over the dead of my ex, 11 years ago.  I've just been to visit her daughter, who I have trouble motivating myself to visit, because of the anxieties that seeing her creates.  It brings back all of those feelings of watching her mother die. She died from breast cancer, we basically had 6 months notice, and she died in 5 months.  Everyone was grieving.

After visiting the daughter, I had to stop the car, just to relax.  My anxiety is causing some problems, now and then.  I really need to work on that, I've fixed it before.  I can do it again.

Goal weight!

I am pleased to announce that I've reached my goal weight.  It's been over a decade since I've been here, and it's nice to be slim again.  I'm hoping that I stay here a long time because really, losing that weight has been one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I don't want to do it again.  Ever.  So from now on, I'll be watching what I eat, and watching my weight.  Weighing daily at the moment.

Mandy is coming back on Saturday.  When I think of it, I haven't been too lonely while she's been away.  She's phoned me about half a dozen times and we text nearly every day.  But I really don't know how she'll act when she's back.  I still may never seen her again, but the chances of that happening are on the low side.

To celebrate reaching my goal weight, I've been going to the cinema every day recently.  I was lucky that there were lots of new films for me to watch.  It would be fair to say that I've been floating on air now that I've reached my goal.  Losing weight really is one of the hardest things I'll ever do.  

Update

Just a little update: Mandy has been in touch, and she had bad news.  Her brother went to India, but his condition was so bad that he didn't have the heart bypass operation.  He was sent back home, to a small Pacific island country.  So Mandy went to India, was there a day or two, then followed her brother back to the home country.  I hate to think how disappointed she is.  She'll stay there a month and come back here.  We're texting and phoning each other daily.

The two month period for Nikki has begun.  She sent me so much homework to mark!  I'm impressed.

My fasting has been really unreliable.  On and off.  In case you're wondering how much I weigh, it's 3.5kg above goal weight.  I'll eat a bit tomorrow, not a lot.  I'm working over the weekend, so I'll be eating then.  Then the fasting will recommence.  I am still hoping to drop about one kilogram due to going low carb.  I hope to reach goal weight in the next 2-3 weeks.

Fasting

On Friday I Skyped Nikki and talked about my worries.  I said that she couldn't get a job if she was here because of her English, and I was concerned about her lack of interest in actually studying.  She seemed down about the whole thing, but her mood improved over the course of the Skype video call.  Will she improve?  I'm guessing no, although I'd love to be proven wrong.  She seems really nice, but maybe I can't afford her.  I didn't give her an ultimatum that she had to study or else, but I implied it.  I don't like telling people what to do, especially if they are adults, but really, it's time to get started.  I have always asked for 4 hours of study a week (in addition to her having a job) and she was unable to achieve that.  How will she go when the pressure is on?  I want more than 4 hours now.

I bought a new bathroom scale.  That makes three scales that I own, all digital and the new one has the ability to measure body fat.  I'd guesstimate that my body fat is about 17% at the moment, based on looking at photographs of men with my build.  I prefer to have really accurate weight readings, so I use the readings for all of the scales and convert it to an accurate number using a spreadsheet.  Once I reach goal weight, I'll just use one scale.

So I'm fasting.  I ate more than the chicken I promised in the last post, but that's okay.  I can buy some food tomorrow because I'm starting this new daily planner, and I'm using nice tasting food as a motivation system to keep using the planner.  It sort of disrupts the diet, but it won't disrupt it by a lot.  One of my goals is to tidy every day.  I'm untidy and want to change things.  The daily planner is for other things too, such as going to the doctor.  I haven't been in a year, and want to get back and try new antidepressants.

I won't post my weight yet, because when you fast you lose quite a bit of non-fat, and there is no point in measuring that.

Intro

What a day it has been!  Mandy is going overseas.  For a month.  She's going to India to see her brother who is also traveling there to get some sort of heart operation.  Medical tourism.  The thing is that I really don't trust her.  We have so much history, but a lot of that history is me being lonely and needy.  I hate being needy.  We met at the mall, for a final goodbye.  I really don't know if I'll ever see her again.  She has a history of going silent on me.  We had sex a week ago.  That was unexpected.  She came over for some time together, well one thing led to another, I was lying on top of her, both of us were naked.  I wanted to remember what it was like to lie on top of a woman, since it had been 5 years since I've had sex.  I got turned on (as you do...), asked if I could put it in and she said yes.  She's such a silent lover.  No moaning, no "ahhh" or "yesss".  It's really hard to know if she's enjoying it or not.  It was so nice to have sex again.  5 years is a very long time, and just under 4 years of that was when I was in a relationship with Renee.  Renee and I didn't have sex for more than half of the time we were together.

So anyway, I got to see Mandy's husband in a photo in her camera.  I didn't know that he was older than her, probably by 8 years.  Substantially overweight.  They really should break up, neither of them are being fulfilled by their marriage.  It was a marriage of convenience.  She got citizenship, and he got a wife.

While we were at the mall, I saw an old ex, with her husband.  She had lost so much weight!  She must have lost 50-80 kilograms.  I knew that she was going to get the stomach operation to help lose weight.  But she must have had some sort of issue with her hips as she had one of those walking frames.  I regret getting involved with her, but it was only a 3 month thing, nothing special.  13 years ago before she dated her husband (I know you're wondering).

Anyway, Mandy seemed to enjoy my company today.  2 hours we were there, and then went to the car for a cuddle and say goodbye.  I just wish I wasn't so damn lonely.

Today I will ask Nikki when we Skype whether she really wants to meet up with me overseas.  If she does, she really needs to learn English.  She's unemployable right now if she were to come here.  Just start studying, please.  Show me you can study.  Some people can't study, that's fine, that's life.  But if you can't I want to know now rather than after spending $10,000 on you in the next 18 months.  It's only fair.  She'll feel hurt or upset with my asking about the whole issue, but it has to be said.  I'll suggest a 2 month test to see if she can study.  Can she study English every day?  I have no idea.  If she can't, she can't.

Tonight I went and had Subway.  A 12 inch filled roll.  I'm going low carb.  Tomorrow the only food I'll be eating will be shredded chicken.  Probably 400 grams.  The same with Sunday.  Then it's starvation city.  Fasting.  I really want to lose this weight, and fasting is as good a technique as ever.  Don't hate me.

While I was eating the Subway in the car, I felt depressed.  As ever.  It would be fair to say that I dislike my life.  I'm just not enjoying it.  Listened to the song "Good time" on the radio by Owl City.  It's a nice song, I like it but I just can't relate to it.